Have I been wallowing in self-despair for too long?

Somewhere I Belong
-- Linkin Park

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
It's the only real thing that I got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

CHORUS:
I want to heal, I want to feel what I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain till its gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
Why do i have the negativity?
'Cause I can justify the way everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, I'm hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

CHORUS

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

CHORUS

I want to heal, I want to feel, like I'm somewhere I belong
I want to heal, I want to feel, like I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

Dawning realization

A summary of what I do (this is not, I have to enunciate, an exhaustive list):

Checking and clearing emails.

Dealing with complains from residents about minor issues.

Answering the phone to attend to queries, complains.

Preparing for meeting after meeting.

Preparing for event after event.

Designing publicity material only to be asked to change the details after the posters or banners are done.

Trying to mediate conflicts between grassroots leaders.

"Mobilizing" grassroots leaders to attend events, functions.

Submitting reports under tight deadlines.

Missing deadlines for submission.

Running around the building troubleshooting problems pertaining to building and maintenance.

Deactivating false fire alarms.

Getting phone calls from office on off days asking me how to deactivate false fire alarms.

Getting backstabbed.

Meeting unreasonable demands from grassroots leaders, public, colleagues, bosses, everybody.

Being treated without dignity.

Not getting help from anybody (on second thought, I do receive help from a few colleagues, especially my CSO but she has her own work to do, and I myself seldom offer help to others, so I guess I am not in a position to lament about my predicament).

Do this, check that, amend this, submit that, inform him, get back to her, feedback to them.

Do and endure all the above with a smile. Is this what service culture is about? Succumbing to the whims and fancies of everyone and keep deluding oneself that this is professionalism?

I beg to differ. I do not think this should be the way my workplace is run. I certainly do not think this what I really want to do day after day. Two ex-colleagues of mine have been enlightened and left. I want to be the next fortunate person to leave this god-forsaken place.

The World Today in History
On Aug. 29, 1991, the Supreme Soviet, the parliament of the U.S.S.R., suspended all activities of the Communist Party, bringing an end to the institution.

6km of Road, 1.6km of Sand, 2.4km of Trail

Yes, that was what the organizers promised and that was what we had to run on such a fine Sunday morning in an idyllic island setting that is known as Sentosa. The New Balance Real Run 2005 aka the "Ultimate X-Terrain Challenge".

Running along 1.6km of beach was punishing on the legs and mind. What kept me going was the desire to overtake as many participants as possible. Indeed, a lot of the participants simply gave up and walked the stretch. This boosted my morale and motivated me to complete the whole stretch without stopping.

Ultimately, though, I was competing with myself. The mind was willing, but the flesh was weakening. Every step I took sent pain up from my legs to my nerve centre. My knees were screaming at me to stop, but I kept on going. As I ran past the last distance marker, nothing in the world was going to stop me from reaching the finishing line. Surprisingly, I even manage to muster strength to sprint for the last stretch. Almost entered a trance-like stage where there is only me, my feet and the finishing line. Finished the run with a slightly better timing than what I had last year, and also with two knees throbbing in pain.

My knees still hurt now and I guess the pain will be around for a few days. Meanwhile I will just have to walk slower and maybe limp a bit when I am climbing or descending staircases.

The World Today in History:
On Aug. 28, 1963, 200,000 people participated in a peaceful civil rights rally in Washington, D.C., where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial.

I miss this guy... D'OH!

DOE RE MI BEER, by Homer J. Simpson

DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...

ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,

FAR..... the distance to my beer

SO...... I think I'll have a beer...

LA...... La la la la la la beer

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass) D'OH!

And on a totally irrelevant note,


The World Today (or rather, yesterday) in History:
On Aug. 25, 1944, Paris was liberated by Allied forces after four years of Nazi occupation.

Becoming human

Always thought I am the impeccable and impassive kind of person, or at least I have been trying to present this image of myself to others. The past two days have made me realise that I am neither.

I guess it has got to do with the many events scheduled, now that September is impending. Was in rather low spirits the past few days because I did not seem to do anything right or fast enough. Work kept piling up, my desk kept getting messier and I kept receiving phone calls, sms messages and emails to remind me of the stuff that I owed or are due.

Kept telling myself that I cannot, that I can never ever, allow others to question my ability to work. I thought I had been handling the workload quite well... until this week.

It was actually just a simple gesture from one of my colleagues. She merely asked if I need help for my teachers' day celebration dinner. When she offered her help, I thought my workload was still manageable, so I politely declined. After all, she has her own work to do. Yet, she replied nicely and simply, "This is a CCC project. I should help. I am free also." I was very touched by her offer. It made me felt so much better.

I used to think that although my colleagues get along well with one other, it is rather rare to see people "volunteer" to help the others in their events or projects. We are, as it is, already too busy with our respective portfolios. It will be an achievement if we can finish our work on time. We can, therefore, forget about helping others. How can we do that when usually we ourselves are the ones who need help?

I was so grateful to her that I sent her an appreciative message. This is something which I would not normally do. I send a message to my CSO today also, telling her I am guilty of throwing out work to her at the last minute. Guess what she told me? "I am supposed to help you."

I am really grateful that there are such supportive colleagues around. I guess this week I am also getting more emotional. Not just due to the coming events but also because another of my colleague is leaving soon.

I used to think I was a superman. That I can juggle work, pressure, social life, interests effectively. Not anymore. Not after what happened this past week, but I guess heroes also have their vulnerable moments. An excerpt of the lyrics from Five For Fighting's "Superman":

It may sound absurd...
But don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...
But won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Pun intended

Ah, the beginning of a new week. Let us check out today's stock market activity:

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

Ugly residents

Remember my post on National Day regarding the disgraceful behaviour of residents? Please see the images below and you will agree with me that they are a unrefined, inconsiderate, lazy and blind bunch who have no qualms about damaging the Garden City reputation that Singapore worked so hard to achieve over the past 40 years!

The biggest irony is that they actually blatantly did it on National Day, and it was after the National Day Observance Ceremony whereby they sang the national anthem and recited the pledge! How farcical can the whole thing be! I guess I have to grant them the benefit of the doubt that nowhere in the pledge and anthem was it mentioned that littering was not allowed.

So, going by their twisted logic, I guess it is all right to mess up the whole place. After all, it was a joyous occasion, right?














The aftermath at MPH
















I guess it is my fault that the litter bin is not accessible and noticeable, else how do you explain the litter near the bin?














Check out the litter on the floor

Another long day

Had another long day at the office today. Left at seven. I do not know what happened to me these days. Always unable to finish my work for the day.

Forwarded an email to my colleagues about making good use of their time in office and leave for home on time, encouraging them to achieve a work-life balance. In the end I was one of the latest to go home. How ironic!

Work keeps piling up and more and more events are coming up. I cannot imagine myself doing these same things next year, or for that matter, year after year. This organization operates on a cyclical timeline, not linear. There is no apparent progression. The same events year in year out. Or more accurately, the same shit year in year out.

Sometimes I have the feeling that I, as a CO staff, have been enclosed in my own little world (read: the office) for too long. So caught up am I in my daily work that I have lost sight of the bigger picture. I have forgotten to consider how the work I am doing will have implications on other people or organizations. Sometimes it even feels like I do not even have a modicum of knowledge of what is happening outside my tiny, suffocating world. I have simply lost touch.

On another note, do check out this website:

http://www.eviltree.de/zoomquilt/zoom.htm

I realised after a while, the images actually repeated. It is analogous to what I am rambling about in this post. Nevertheless, it is still a very artistic piece of work.

ps. Regarding the isssue of cyclical and linear timeline, I will discuss it in more detail another time with reference to Anthony Giddens' concept of modernity. That is, if I can somehow remember what I had learnt from my presentation a year and a half ago.

Griping about the wonders(?) of modern technology

Used to think that the telephone is a good invention in that it allows two people to talk to each other at the same time from two places. Not anymore.

To me, it has become a tracking device used by bosses, colleagues, clients to hunt you down after work. They seem to relish every chance to harass me with their supposed "important" business. Actually they are just little things, nitty-gritty stuff, stupid questions, the works.

For goodness sake, I am already off duty. Can't you just spare me and let me have some peace? Can't you wait till the next day to call me in office? I do not believe whatever stuff that you have to ask or tell me is that important, because apparently it is not important enough for you to call me earlier. When I was still on duty.

I am keeping my phone on so that people can contact me when there are urgent matters or when there are any emergencies. I am doing this out of good faith, so please do not abuse my kindness. I am not your slave so do not expect me to be at your beck and call.

PLEASE! GET OFF MY BACK!

Respite

Finally enjoying my hard-earned rest at home now. It has been another busy and chaotic week. Even went for bonding session with my YEC members after night shift yesterday. Reached home at two in the morning. The all-powerful midnight charge inflating the cab fare to a whooping $33!

Bereft of sleep, I was dragging myself to work this morning. Could not concentrate and my thoughts were desultory, resulting in minimal work done. Things finally picked up in mid-afternoon. Managed to cross out item after item on my to-do list. Left office at seven, one and a half hours later than my ETD for the day.

National Day Dinner tomorrow. In charge of facilities. Need to make sure visitors to the washrooms have pleasant experiences and that the caterers have access to water points and power points. Only 160 tables of guests but it is still an important event for my CO. Cannot afford to screw it up.

I can handle pain until it hurts.

True or False

Can you guess which of the following are True and which are False?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. Most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

You know what? All of the above are supposedly true.

The Future is Ours to Make

For the first time in years, I did not catch the NDP in person or via television. Too busy with other stuff yesterday. Went back to office for the observance ceremony and walk-a-jog in the wee hours of the morning and only reached home at about four in the afternoon.

Was totally disgusted by the residents' behaviour and I was in a perpetual bad mood yesterday. Will post pictures to substantiate my argument. When I reached Tampines, I went down to the heartland celebrations and saw some of my colleagues on duty there. I guess I should count myself lucky that I was not allocated any duty on National Day.

Going for my RC meeting tonight and I will be leaving for office soon. Really dread going back to office.

Another busy week beckoning ominously

I survived my second dragonboat training! This morning's run was even longer than last week's. All the way to Esplanade... and back. Took about 40 minutes. Slow run but also slowly getting my endurance and stamina back.

Another weekend gone. This coming week will be one hell of a week for me. National Day is supposed to be a public holiday but I will be working. My constituency office is organizing the annual Walk-A-Jog on that day, and I have to reach my office by 6.45am. That means I have to leave my place latest by 5.45am. This inevitably translates into 4.45am to set my alarm. Man, I have to wake up at such an ungodly hour? And I am not even going for a marathon! It is only a Walk-A-Jog! Albeit one with minister's participation.

On Saturday, the 13th, my side will be having the National Day Dinner. Over 160 tables of guests invited for this annual grand event. Hope nothing goes wrong on that day. I have got to make sure the washrooms are clean and that the electricity supply does not get interrupted and even if it does, I have to remedy that immediately. Got to put my whole army of cleaners, caretakers and contractors on standby that day. No glitches allowed.

Semantics

I looked up the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary and found the meaning of espionage:

the practice of spying or using spies to obtain information about the plans and activities especially of a foreign government or a competing company

Note that the keyword here is foreign. Hence, the premise for espionage acts carried out by one government on another is the sovereignty of both states.

How can the Taiwanese government be a "foreign" government when the mainland Chinese believe that the capital of Taiwan is not Taipei, but Beijing?

How can Taiwan be engaging agent to "spy" on China when Taiwan is, as claimed by China, an inseparable part of China? It is analogous to someone from California charged by the federal government in Washington for "spying" on the USA. I mean, this does not make any sense.

Therefore, the charges levelled at Straits Times correspondent Ching Cheong should be subversion or sedition.

By charging Ching Cheong with espionage is in fact unwittingly acknowledging that Taiwan is not a part of China.

The Chinese government had not merely slapped some charges on a journalist. They had also just slapped themselves in the face.

You have clicked the "magical" button?!

My colleague just tendered in her resignation two days ago. She had been quite stressed by work for the past month. I guess it must be really unbearable for her to resort to this.

Talked to her yesterday and she sounded cheerful and more relaxed. I suppose that is good for her and I wish her all the best. Following her impending departure (her last day of work is in September), her current portfolio will be distributed out among the rest of us until the replacement comes in. The management will probably use this opportunity to reshuffle our duties again. Hope there are not many changes. I am rather satisfied and comfortable with my committees and facilities management now.

Since my first day of work in this place, I have seen two colleagues left the organization. Sigh... When will it be my turn? I hope it is soon...

Internazionale Pips Milan to the Scudetto!

It has been a most remarkable season in Serie A. Internazionale rallied from a poor start to the 2004/2005 season to win the much-coveted Scudetto on the last day of the season. The Nerazzuri's victory is made all the more sweeter because it is from the hands of Milan that they snatched the title away from.

The Rossoneri started the season in good form and were very consistent throughout the entire campaign, losing only two games, one to Palermo at the three-quarter point of the season and the other one to Parma on the last day. However, they might have drawn too many games and this allowed Inter to overtake them on the last day. Had they converted half their draws into victories, they would have won the league with three games to spare.

The Inter revival began when they lost their sixth game of the season after twelve matches and found themselves hovering precariously above the relegation zone. Something had to be done to halt the slump. In stepped new signing Gaston Fernandez. His signing convinced the players of Inter's ambition and they rallied to put together an unbeaten run of 26 matches in the league.

By the end of match-day 33, Inter had narrowed the gap between itself and Milan to a mere two points. With five more matches to go, neither could afford a slip-up. Third-placed Roma was a long way behind and, mathematically, would never catch up with the two Milanese teams. On match-day 34, Inter faced a tricky away tie to 10th placed Sampdoria, while Milan hosted Livorno.

Not surprisingly, Milan claimed three points in that game. Inter, however, could only drew 1-1 with Sampdoria. The gap had widened to four points. It seemed all was lost for Inter. However, in the next two games, Milan were held to goal-less draws while Inter won both their games. Suddenly, Inter were breathing down the neck of their city rivals. The two sides were on the same number of points and only Milan's slightly superior goal difference kept them in the league leaders' position. The momentum now, however, was with Inter, and you somehow have the feeling that they were destined to win the title.

On the second last match of the season, both teams posted victories to push the climax of the title race to the last game of the season. Inter had the edge over Milan in terms of fixtures. Inter's opponent at home were mid-table Siena while Milan now faced the tricky away game to Parma. Inter beat Siena 2-0 and anxious Inter fans were tuning to the result of the Milan game. Should Milan defeat Parma, Inter and Milan would go into playoffs to decide the league winner. Anything less than a victory for Milan, and Inter would walk away with the title.

Oh, how the mighty had fallen. Milan crumbled against Parma. Final score was 3-0 to Parma. The Giuseppe Meazza stadium erupted in cheers as news of Milan's defeat filtered into the stadium. Ecstatic fans rushed onto the pitch to congratulate the team. Many of the players themselves could not believe that they had brought the title back to the blue half of Milan. It was indeed, an incredible season for Internazionale.